Toasts

On this beautiful day
draped in regalia
and the echoes of droning speeches
our story concludes
with the toasts we didn’t make

To that tease of a thesis
who kept taunting you
until the last possible moment
when she finally got dressed
and made it on time

To the lecherous advisor
who finally backed off
during your senior year

For the untold hours
spent holding hands
watching the IV drip
because her parents
wouldn’t understand

To the vapid electeds
who waited to undermine
higher education
until you walked

To the girlfriends
who used reliable birth control

For running out of champagne
before Gramps got too loopy

May we all die in the proper order
May our suits always fit so well